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i was re-reading my "art of having a crush" blog post and it had me thinking of how beautiful it was for me to experience what it was like to have a crush, like a real unrequited, infatuated, kind of crush again since like high school. and it had me thinking about how nowadays im just not as willing to put myself out there or is that what self respect is? im not saying i didn't have any self respect or knew my worth in high school or when i was younger, but coming into college and growing up, i think i am more mature and do things that i believe are suitable to my standards. like in high school i would cold dm sooooo many people, which is just so crazy to think about. like what gave me the confidence and charisma to do this when i was like 16 lol. i was just so willing to try and try and try, just to find love or a connection or whatever. it makes me think that maybe if anything i had more confidence back then than i do now about myself. but honestly i don't know which one is true: did i gain self respect from growing up or did i lose my youthful confidence? i do think im quite confident and prideful in myself: i have a job, i go to university, i live in la, im pretty, im smart, im funny, i have good style, im surrounded by great people, why do i put myself out there less? i have more to offer yet less motivation to advertise myself. i think it's a combination of how great my life is already and also knowing what i want to put my energy into. when i was in high school i wanted a boyfriend BADLY like i wanted the whole high school relationship experence, like walking me to class, going to dances together, promposals, first kisses, first dates, etc, and, i mean, i got it. but i think coming to college in la, unfortunately, i care a lot more of what people think here compared to back home in my small town. reputation and what people think of me is on my mind a bit when i'm in la, because every is so influential and cool and i think being my genuine self is as equally important as the connections i make. so the hesistancy is valid in my eyes, for i do not want to fully expose myself to every given person who does not deserve my fullest personality if that makes sense. i have a lot of love for my past self and how willing she was. it puts current me to shame on how i should be trying to talk to more people, but i can't help being content at where i am at the same time. "if it's not broken don't fix it" kind of mentality. i think because i have so much to offer, im not actiely seeking out other ways to fulfill gaps in my life. i think i am willing, i mean clearly i am if i still have many romantic endeavors in my life, but idk if they find me or if i find them. actually they definitely find me cause there is no way in hell im the one that is finding these stupid ass men. and in the wise words of sabrina carpenter: "i swear they choose me, im not choosing them."