every summer (this summer and the past summer that is, so only 2 lol) it seems like i get into moods of loneliness. which makes sense actually, i go back to my hometown from living in los angeles and im without my la friends, my roommates, my job, university, im just back to plain ol me, i suppose. when i go back home i don't really do any of the things i do in la, it's almost like i revert back to how things were before i left. i don't drink, i don't smoke, i don't party, i don't go on dates, the summer is lack luster, but peaceful, but also hence the loneliness. lately i've been getting this urge to pursue a summer romance and/or text every single one of my past romantic endeavors, there's actually 5 of them that i feel like texting. being in my hometown makes me reminisce a lot, my two relationships were from high school and i just associate the past with my hometown a lot. being lonely back home is such an interesting feeling because there's no real way to resolve it. i never want to engage in a romantic endeavor with ANYONE back home even if it's just for the summer, something about the people here is not cohesive with my new la pos lifestyle and personality which is okay and yes, i do sound entitled when i say that, but you would understand if you've seen and dated people from my hometown okay? but back to what i was saying, this loneliness really can make a person grasp at straws with people that were merely an inkling in their mind or even makes you do crazy things like download hinge and have the location be the vacation spot you're gonna be in 4 days. in a way i enjoy it because i don't get much alone time in los angeles but to be honest i think i do that purposefully. like i go out of my way to always be with people and my friends when i have down time, although i think it is partially to have constant fulfillment and social interaction, i also think it's partially to really savor the moment because i know this convenience of seeing everyone at such ease will not be forever. when will i live within 10 minutes and walking distance from all my friends again other than in these 4 years? literally never. i do enjoy my alone time, but back home it's a different kind of alone, it's the kind of alone that reminds me of all the times i wasn't. all the times i was facetiming someone until 4 am, or sitting on the couch watching a movie, or going to the park at 1 in the morning, or making out in his car when he drops me off, or getting texts asking what i was doing or how my day was. it just makes me reminisce. in good and bad ways. bad obviously cause i'm lonely lol and i can never tell what i want even though i know it's not a relationship, but also good that i don't have those things. like im glad no one is waiting up for me or that i have to text someone every second of the day or having to anxiously wait for a response or fighting and crying at 3 in the morning. this independent loneliness is something im grateful to experience because it is a blessing to be by myself without someone to rely on or have to be responsible for. or maybe this is a coping mechanism. but who knows, i have went from an anxiously attached hopeless romantic to an avoidant whore with committment issues, and idk which is worse. i wouldn't wanna say im no longer a hopeless romantic or anything, like i still can't help but imagine my perfect movie moments, but i think i've had one too many reality checks to continue living my life thinking every person could be the one, even if deep down i feel an inkling of that feeling.